Learning to Lean on Him

“All my independent women, raise your hands up!”

Every time that statement was made in any setting, I would swiftly raise my hand up with pride. I was proud to be able to pay my own bills, ask no one for anything and “making it happen” when I needed something quickly. Little did I know, I was placing myself in the position of my own god and my own idol because I was too prideful to ask anyone for help — even God.

What is wrong with being independent? There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but at some point, you literally can’t do EVERYTHING yourself. As an independent woman, I experienced fatigue, anxiety, bitterness, even back pain (think of carrying (2)-32 count case of water up two flights of stairs since college) and all that comes with not letting God and the people He places into your path to help you when the burden gets heavy.

A little backstory of what I am currently experiencing:

I was laid off from my main source of income job in June 2019. I had a feeling for a few months prior to the end of my tenure that I was not going to be employed at the company for the two years I desired to stay there, to obtain my experience and later venture into Graduate School. In normal human response, I began seeking a new position, so that I would not have to transition into joblessness, because who can be independent, while jobless?

I began my search in April, applying to millions (or what it felt like) of jobs and not getting a single callback. I tweaked my Resume & Cover Letter to all the jobs I was applying to, researched tips on how to convey my experiences to align with what companies are looking for, what other things I can pursue that would still be within my field of interest, etc.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

I was beginning to feel discouraged and defeated, yet still a little hopeful because every “No” is bringing you closer to that great “Yes”, right?

As I was approaching my last day at the job, I was coming across sermons on YouTube that were relating to my situation and trying to keep myself encouraged. I had to bring into remembrance His Word that, We know that God works all things together for the good of those who Love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). The anxiety and uncertainty didn’t feel good, so what is God talking about? It was hard for the kind of person that I am to trust in that promise, but what else could I hold on to?

My last day came, along with the first day of the Fire Conference that my church holds annually. Immediately afterwards, I went to the first night’s service, in expectancy of something that would encourage me through the new season that I would be embarking on. The thing about God is that He doesn’t give you what you want, but what you need. The Apostle of all the All Nations Worship Assembly churches, was the message bearer of the evening and the text we read from was, “1 Timothy 4:14 – Don’t neglect the spiritual gift in you that was given through prophecy when the elders laid hands on you.” The Apostle didn’t have to go any further, as I was immediately convicted. God was basically expressing to me that I didn’t need more encouragement. I needed to use what He had already given me.

For a very long time, I was neglecting the gift that I asked God for and obtained the answer to. I was told my gift TWICE, late 2018, through two different leaders at my church. I just couldn’t grasp that I was to write and share with young women about what God had done in transforming my perspective and is actively doing in my life, through my obedience. One, I am super private about my personal life and two, I don’t consider myself a good enough writer to run a blog. I was inquiring God, saying, “Writing? Me? Are you sure that this gift is not for someone else?”

At one point, I just decided to take heed. I had to confront and check myself because I was holding myself back. In addition, I came to the realization that, “It’s not about you sis”. There are people attached to the gift and calling over my life that must be reached through my obedience in accepting and operating in this gift.

God was not worried about what I think about my abilities. He created me, so He knows what I can do.

When God is trying to obtain your focus, He will strip away the very thing that is taking away from your time with Him. I was working two jobs (the second to help with my debt-free journey) at the time, with very few days off, unless I requested it. Having a good job was part of how I identified myself, so for that to be compromised, was difficult. There was obviously no time to dedicate to God and cultivating this gift. As stubborn as I am, there was nothing else I could do, but to submit.

This is a season where I cannot lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5), but I must trust God and what His word says about me and my situation, to bring me through. I am reminded that, wherever God guides, He provides.

When I tell y’all it has been tough to not “make it happen”, believe me. Trusting God and His good and perfect will is not easy, but it yields a certain strength within those who choose it.

I encourage you to hone in on what God is calling you to do. It’s not for you to receive praise, but for the souls attached to the God and gift in you. In turn, it will transform how you see God and your identity in Him.

What is God calling you to do, that you have been neglecting?

Prayer: God, the circumstances surrounding my calling are not aligned. Help me to trust you, though I don’t understand. Let earth’s chaos, meet Heaven’s resolve.

Until next time,

Peace out Gems ✌🏾

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Rachael Rotimi-Samuel says:

    Wow this is really touching and i’m very very impressed at your writing. This is definitely your calling and i know that when your time comes, your light will shine so bright that many will marvel at the things God has done for you. One thing that keeps me going in times of trouble is God won’t give you something you cannot handle and through him only you shall overcome. I’m very much hooked and can wait to read more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sandi J says:

      Thank you Rachael!


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